I come down the steps
I slip on the ice
Santa Claus been looking
Who's been naughty, who's been nice
I m looking for one thing real tonight

Jesus, he comes up to me
Jesus, he sits down
Says, "Take this fuckin' cross off my back
I m going downtown"
I said, "Oh, but ain't that your uniform?"
He offers me a toke
Says, "Two thousand years is long enough
For this particular joke"
He says, "I'm lookin' for one thing real tonight"

And I'm up here singin'
These songs every night
Sometimes I wanna just make 'em all
Up on the spot
Maybe they wouldn't rhyme too good
And they might not make sense
But then at least I wouldn't be
Repeating myself
I m looking for one thing real tonight

And you're the one I've chosen
And I guess you've chosen me
Let's turn off the commercials
Let's turn off the TV
How well can we get to know
Each other in an hour?
We can fight the daylight
We have that power
I m looking for one thing real tonight

Van Gogh sits next to me
With a bucket full of paste
He rips off my ear and says
"Glue this to my face"
I'd like to leave America
For someplace where they would
Not know a word of English
And I might be understood
I m looking for one thing real tonight